A reader writes: “My daughter has recently started dating a transgender young man who is currently seeking therapy and is considering undergoing a sex change or hormonal therapy. I try to think of myself as being open-minded and accepting of others.
“My daughter has asked me to spend the day with her and her boyfriend and let me know that he will be going in his alter ego, or dressing as a woman for the day. I am not hip to all the politically correct lingo, so please bear with me and forgive my ignorance.
“I want to support her and her decision to date J., but in all honesty, I do feel a bit uncomfortable because this is all very new to me. Perhaps you have some advice for a mom who has never dealt with anything like this before. I want to be supportive and understanding, but it is a little outside my comfort zone.
“I am a bit concerned with his lifestyle and how it might affect my daughter’s relationship with her father/my husband. He is not aware of her boyfriend’s lifestyle and I don’t know how to broach the subject with him, or if that should be my daughter’s responsibility?
“In closing, I would like to say that my children’s happiness is very important to me. Like any mom, I want them to have someone to love and to be loved, marry, and raise a family if they wish.”
First of all, thank you for being supportive of your daughter and willing to accept her new love interest and learn more about the issues. Because you are concerned about spending time with this person, let’s talk about some terminology and some ways for you to feel more comfortable in her presence.
I’m going to use the female pronoun for your daughter’s partner, and so should you, if she is presenting as a female in your presence (using a feminine name, dressing in traditionally feminine clothing, and so on).
Even though you are hesitant about being around this person who you originally knew or assumed to be male, spending more time with her when she is presenting as female will allow you to get more comfortable with her and help you prepare for the time when she transitions, if she decides to do so.
So when she is presenting as a woman, you will use female pronouns, and when she is presenting as a man, you will use male pronouns, unless she or your daughter instructs you otherwise. Will you slip up? Quite possibly. But I recommend that you read my page “Trans Etiquette for Non-Trans People” for advice about what to do when that happens. We all make honest mistakes, and there is a difference between slipping up and intentionally misusing names and pronouns.
It might be outside of your comfort zone, but this is how open-minded and accepting people stretch themselves – by moving outside of that zone. Because you are willing to do this, I believe that you will honestly be surprised at how quickly you do become comfortable.
The more time you spend around this person, the more you will probably see why your daughter is smitten. You will be able to see the fun, attractive individual that your daughter sees – but that’s why you have to put in the time and suffer the temporary discomfort. It will be worth it, both in terms of your daughter, because this might turn into a long-term relationship, and in terms of your own personal growth.
In addition, try not to think of this situation as a “lifestyle.” If your daughter’s partner is considering transition to female, she likely has a medical condition that requires this. She likely has some kind of gender identity/physical body incongruity that will be helped by transition. She is not putting on a costume to go to Mardi Gras or to entertain the troops – she is expressing who she really is.
A “lifestyle” is more of a choice based on personality – an athletic lifestyle, a jet-setting lifestyle, a party lifestyle, a reclusive lifestyle. Even if this person never transitions, she might continue to express her female identity throughout her life, and this is not a choice.
It’s important for your husband to understand this as well. How you approach this with him will depend on your daughter and her partner. First your daughter should talk to her partner and find out how she (the partner) wants to handle this. Perhaps her partner would like to come out to your husband herself, either with your daughter present or not. Or her partner might prefer not to be involved.
In that case, you and your daughter should talk about the best way to approach your husband/her father. If you are concerned that it will affect your daughter’s relationship with her father, then you might end up as the mediator or go-between.
It’s probably a position that you don’t want to be in, but your efforts to be open and accepting might put you smack in the middle, and it’s better than quarreling with or losing your daughter. Hopefully, even if it takes some time, your husband will feel the same way that you do – that he really wants his child to be happy, and he will support the person who makes her that way.
Remember that, regardless of whether or not your daughter’s partner transitions, if they stay together, they can still be a happy couple and even raise a family. Depending on the laws in your state, they might or might not be able to get married, but the most important thing is that your daughter is able to love and be loved. And this is, in the end, what you say you want and what really matters.
I wish you the best of luck. Readers, what thoughts do you have?
Filed under: Advice, Ask Matt Tagged: coming out, etiquette, family, language, relationships, trans women, transition
