A reader writes: “My dad is currently going through a transition from male to female. I have always had a very open dialogue with my father. He came out to me a couple of years ago, and recently he came out to my younger sister as well.
“I went through a good scary set of stages with myself, and I am still trying to understand how I feel and how to help my dad. (I am still not 100 percent comfortable with dropping the dad part, unfortunately. The idea brings me to tears.)
“My sister and I attended a trans journeys meeting with my dad and it was a fantastic way to learn and get my own feelings out there. I have been urging him for a couple of years to find a group that is more qualified to tackle the feelings she has.
“My sister and I both have been pretty lost. I am trying to support him as much as I can, but I realized I am a bit phobic to the idea of seeing him as a female. We are working on it. I am very angry with my feelings as well. I hate how torn I feel about it because in the end I just want her to be happy.
“Some of the things I worry about are how my dad talks about passing – he says things like females are able to pass as male much easier – and he frets about his age. He’s been very hung up on not doing his change earlier in his life, he has become very obsessive in the way he looks as a female, and I am not sure how to reassure him. I try to tell him not to linger on the past, just focus on seeing the doctor and the psychologist so he can keep moving forward. He is lost about his job situation, too.
“The last thing I want to do is say the wrong thing or give the wrong advice. I want him to feel proud of how he looks and have good self-esteem, but being a female and somewhat lacking in that area myself, I am not sure where to start. I just listen and tell my dad I love her. I hope that is enough. All I want is for my dad to be happy.”
My mom always used to say, “The only thing children owe their parents is to outlive them.” While I’m not sure that I quite agree, I have always believed that, when it comes to matters of transition, children – even adult children – should be spared the burden of a parent’s deepest, darkest emotional stuff. I think it’s too heavy of a weight for a child to carry.
However, I’m not criticizing your dad – or any parent – who leans on their child during this time. Sometimes there is nowhere else to go. I don’t know where your mother is, but it’s possible that your parents are not together and you’re all that your dad has got. So I thank you and admire you for being so accepting and supportive. I can imagine that it is not easy.
First of all, I don’t think that you should worry about saying the wrong thing or giving the wrong advice. I’m not sure that you should be put in the position of giving advice to your parent. You say that you have been to a meeting, and one thing that you could do is urge your parent to continue to go.
Both in-person and online support groups can help her navigate the changing landscape, and she can get her advice from those who have been there and who know what she can expect. This will take some of the burden off of you, because you haven’t been there, and your experience growing up as female is not going to be the same as the experience your parent is going through right now.
The women in these groups have experienced problems with “passing,” with jobs, and with the regret of not transitioning, or not being able to transition, at a younger age. They will be able to share how they handled all of this.
You are very right, however, about not lingering on the past. There’s nothing that can be done to change the situation. While your parent might wish that she had transitioned years ago, while she might dislike her appearance, and while she might worry that she will forever be seen as a trans woman, those are her realities right now.
I assume that she is middle-aged. When she transitions, she is going to be a middle-aged woman. She is never going to be a young woman, and she might never possess the youthful European-type beauty that is so revered in Western culture. But then, most women don’t, trans and non-trans. Sometimes the real beauty is just in living an authentic life and being who you are.
She might always get read as trans. She might not. Only time will tell. It sounds as if she is just beginning her transition, so there’s no way to predict what will happen. She is wise to be aware of this possibility so that she can learn to accept it if it happens, but there is no way to know until she begins to fully live her life as a woman.
As far as her job, there’s the possibility that she will lose it, but employers are becoming increasingly aware of the value of keeping a long-term, experienced worker, and the laws are becoming increasingly (albeit slowly and marginally) trans friendly. She might be surprised at what she will find when she comes out at work. She needs to hope for the best and prepare for the worst – plus, she needs to consult an attorney to find out what the employment laws are in her area.
So that is her reality. Now let’s look at your reality.
> You have a transitioning parent. That is often a very hard situation to deal with. You are attached to your parent as your father, with a particular appearance and a particular set of roles. That’s changing, and as much as you might dislike that or not be comfortable with it, it’s what’s happening.
So you need to work through this on your own, separate from anything your parent is doing, because you are also going through a transition of sorts, and you need to take care of yourself and your own emotional needs. You might want to find your own therapist or your own support system. COLAGE is a national organization for people with a lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, or queer parent. That’s a place to start.
> You should not be angry with yourself for your feelings. Of course it is unnerving to see the person you have always known as your father presenting herself as a woman. I’m sure that there are some people out there who this would not bother at all, but I can tell you that if my father were alive today and he announced that he was transitioning, it would be difficult for me, even as a trans person myself. This is a human response.
The most important thing is, as you say, that your parent is happy. It is admirable that you feel that way, and your desire to see your parent happy will eventually outweigh your discomfort with seeing her as female. Forgive yourself now for the feelings that you have, and realize that they are normal, and probably a testament to the fine father figure that you had.
> You can be most supportive by using your parent’s correct pronoun and by asking her what she wants to be called, then following through. She might prefer being called by her first name, or she might have some endearment that she would like you to call her other than “Dad.”
Of course it will be hard to get used to, and it might even make you cry, but this is a way of supporting her and showing respect for her, which will ultimately make her happy – and that’s what you want. You will probably slip up sometimes, and don’t be too hard on yourself for that. It happens. Eventually, it will come naturally, but it will take some time.
> I assume that you are a young adult woman. You need to enjoy that and not feel guilty about it. You need to have some fun for yourself away from this situation. You parent has her own life and you have yours. You can be as supportive as possible, and it appears that you already are, but you also need to get away once in a while and allow yourself some breathing room. You will be a better support to your parent when you are taking care of yourself.
Best of luck to you. And be sure to read the Comments section, because my readers always have invaluable insights. Readers?
Filed under: Advice, Ask Matt, Information Tagged: family, language, trans women, transition
