A reader writes: “I’m the mother of a transgendered daughter and have no problems with that. My question is about a student I have. Since I am open about my daughter, several students have come out to me as gay and one has come out as transgender.
“However, she/he is very shy and has given me very little information. I use the pronoun she/he because the child has not even told me which pronoun she/he prefers. Right now she is living as a girl but has said she feels like a boy. I have invited her and her mother to PFLAG and hopefully they will begin attending next month.
“Other than letting this child know I support her and helping her find local resources, is there anything else I can do? If the child is still presenting as female to peers as well as other school personnel, what pronoun should I use?”
As a teacher, you are in a rather precarious position, because you are bound by school policy and district rules, and you are interacting with minors, so you have to proceed with caution.
It appears that this student has the support of hir mother (I’m just going to use a neutral pronoun right now, because we’re not sure what the student prefers), which is very helpful – both for hir and for you.
I don’t know the age of this student, but I’m not sure that matters all that much, because your actions will probably be the same. There really isn’t much that you can do other than what you have done – let the student know that you support hir and provide resources, when asked, to hir and hir mother.
As far as what name and pronouns to use, if the student is presenting as a girl at school and the other students and personnel are using a female name and pronouns, then you should, too. As a general rule, you should use the pronouns that fit the gender that a person is presenting at the time. You are luckier than most teachers in this position, though, because you have a relationship with the student and, it appears, with hir mother. So you can ask both of them.
But you, and they, should be aware that using a male name and pronouns when the student has not officially made this change with the school is that you will out hir. The other students will wonder why you are doing this, and they will either make fun of you, make fun of hir, or both. Plus ze could become a target for bullying and other abuse. If a name and pronoun change is in hir future, ze needs to make that decision and, with the help of hir mother, get the entire school on board.
If ze requests that you use a male name and/or pronouns in one-on-one conversations, you can do that, and it would be respectful to do so. The caution here is that, if you get comfortable with it, you could slip up in class or in front of others, which would cause the problems above. So you need to be very careful.
Ultimately, this is between the student and hir family. Your role is make sure that ze gets the best education possible and is safe while doing so. Because you have been open about your daughter, you have basically put yourself in a position of being a “Safe Space,” whether or not your school has official safe spaces.
This is not a bad thing. Kids often don’t have anywhere else to go or anyone else to talk to, so I completely support your openness and your willingness to interact with, and be available to, LGBT, queer, and questioning kids. But you also need to find out your school and district policies with regard to what you are expected and required to do when students give you personal information.
For example, when and under what circumstances are you expected to notify parents about personal information a child has told you? When and under what circumstances are you expected to notify the principal or guidance counselor?
Be aware of the policies, but also be aware that, in some cases, notifying parents of a student’s sexual orientation or gender identity can cause that student to be punished, beaten, or kicked out of the house. The safety and well-being of a child should always come before “policies,” in my opinion, but you should at least know what rules you might be breaking if you decide to take some action in a certain case.
In this case, however, with mom involved and the possibility of a PFLAG meeting in the offing, I would advise you to let things take their course with this student’s family. It’s okay to check in with the student from time to time to make sure that everything is fine, but you also don’t want to overstep your bounds as a teacher, and you don’t want to play favorites.
It sounds as if you have done what you can. Thank you for being so open about your own life and family, because this has obviously made students feel comfortable coming forward with their own concerns. I wish every school realized the importance of safe teachers and safe spaces.
Readers, what’s your take on this situation?
Filed under: Advice, Ask Matt Tagged: coming out, education, family, gender identity, language
